The Spider – Another Excerpt from my book!

Canterbury Cathedral windows

She was on a high, such a fucking high that she felt she would never come down. People were clouds. They floated by and she didn’t really care. They would glide past her pretty much oblivious. They would be there one minute and gone the next. A passing observance perhaps. They had no substance, they didn’t care. They could be innocent and light one minute and the next they would be pouring all their grief so that your soul felt as wet and soggy and depressed until the next one. Why did they do this to her?  Was it funny? Did they like to watch as she stumbled around dumbfounded, stupid and oblivious? Was it an experiment? Did they actually even care? They were there in their lab coats and with their clip boards but she didn’t know what went on behind that. Did they joke? Did they make notes to compare at a later date? Or did they just not care. They had lives, just like she had one. It’s just that hers wasn’t one. It was a life, it just wasn’t living. Did they really care? Right now she didn’t. There was only one thing in this world right now and that was the small spider she was watching struggling, failingly to climb the wall of her room. She laughed, shallowly, inwardly. With a skinny finger she poked at it. Its attempts were feeble. Her attempts were feeble. It kept trying. She had given up trying. It grasped and pulled and scrambled. She felt dejected. There was no hope. But she was high and she didn’t care. What had they given her? She didn’t care. It was nothing. She was nothing. There was, nothing beyond anything she could think of. There was something at some point she briefly considered. She tried to remember but no thoughts came. There was nothing in her mind. It had been erased or she had erased it. There was a time when things were different, when she didn’t know what they knew now. She was different, she had come to realise that and somewhere within herself she had accepted that. In fact, that was what had given her hope. What she hoped Gail had believed in. But why did they put her here in this place? Why did he put, no allow, no accept her to be here in this place? Whatever. But again, right now, she didn’t care. She glanced at the spider. It desperately tried to escape. She had long since given up. The straws and grooves it now desperately tried to grasp had long since gone for her. Gail had seen to that. Was he like her now, like she was in that room with that spider, laughing at her? Standing upon high, like those clouds she watched imaginatively float past, laughing at her struggling? Did he have not a care, like she did now? Did she rain grief upon him, like those clouds she saw? He had changed. He grieved, she could tell but every day she saw him was a thunderstorm. His emotions, his actions, his intentions came everyday with an almighty crash and a rain that crushed her to the ground. Her power, her being was no match for his overwhelming actions. Her soul had washed away. It was as clear as the blue sky she hoped one day those rain clouds would leave behind.

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